* Your newborn must attend the new comers' orientation briefing within the first 30 days of life.

* Your wife's two favorite shades of lipstick are light green and loam.

* You go to a barbecue and insist that your family feed tactically.

* Your children clear housing before they go to college.

* You require your mechanic to replace the sandbags in your floorboard as a part of a tune-up.

* Your station wagon is equipped with blackout lights.

* Your kids call their mother "Household 6."

* Your kids volunteer to pull air guard on the school bus.

* Your doorbell sounds off with the current challenge and password.

* Your house has sector sketches posted by every window.

* You give the command "Fix Bayonets" at Thanksgiving Dinner.

* Your kids show their meal cards at the kitchen door, except the oldest, who is on separate rations.

* You make your daughter sign out on a pass on Prom Night.

* Your kindergartner calls recess a "smoke break."

* Your wife calls foreplay "prepping the objective."

* Your wife conducts an AAR after making love.

* Your wife "takes a knee" in the checkout line at the Food Lion.

* You do your "back to school" shopping at the U.S. Cavalry store.

* Your kids call the tooth farie "Slicky Boy."

* Your son fails the third grade but tells everyone he was a "phase three recycle."

* Your kids salute their grandparents.

* Your wife's "high-n-tight" is more squared away than your commander's.

* Your kids get a LES for their allowance.

* Your grandmother won "All American Week" and "Best Ranger."

* All your kids have names that start with AR, FM, TM, or DA Form.

* Your pick-up has your name stenciled on the windshield.

* Your kids are hand-receipt holders.

* Your older kids call the youngest one "Cherry."

* Your kids recite their ABCs phonetically.

* Your wife keeps Mermites in the China cabinet.

* Your wife left you and you held a "Change of Command" ceremony.

? * You call your in-laws the "Slice Elements."

* Your dog's name is "Ranger."

* All your possessions are military issue.

* Your kids call their sandbox "NTC."

* You have pull-up bars outside the kitchen door.

* Your daughter's first haircut was a flattop.

* Your kids pull fireguard.

* Your newborn's first words were "all OK Jumpmaster."

* You decorate your Christmas Tree with Chem Lights and Engineer Tape.

* You use call signs and proper RTO procedures when using the telephone.

* You have the household SOP posted on a corkboard as you walk into your front door.

* You have photos of the current chain of command up to the Commander-in-Chief, decorating one wall of your house.

* You have to salute your wife every morning because she is the Household Commander.

* Your wife puts a better shine on your boots, than you do.