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A Comparison of the U.S. Military Branches


HAIRCUTS:

MARINES: Heads will be shaved.
ARMY: Stylish flat-tops for all recruits.
NAVY: No haircut standard.
AIR FORCE: Complete make-overs as seen on the Jenny Jones show.

TRAINING HOURS:

MARINES: Reveille at 0500, train until 2000.
ARMY: Reveille at 0600, train until 1900.
NAVY: Get out of bed at 0900, train until 1100, lunch until 1300, train until 1600.
AIR FORCE: Awaken at 1000, breakfast in bed, train from 1100 to 1200, lunch at 1200, train from 1300 to 1400, nap at 1400, awaken from nap at 1500, training ceases at 1500.

MEALS:

MARINES: Meals, Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.
ARMY: One hot meal, 2 MRE's.
NAVY: 3 hot meals.
AIR FORCE: Catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Child, Wolfgang Puck and Emeril Lagasse. All you can eat.

LEAVE and LIBERTY:

MARINES: None.
ARMY: 4 hours a week.
NAVY: 2 days a week.
AIR FORCE: For every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and liberty.

PROTOCOL:

MARINES: Will address all officers as "Sir," and refer to the rank of all enlisted members when speaking to them (i.e., Sgt. Smith).
ARMY: Will address all officers as "Sir," unless they are friends, and will call all enlisted personnel "Sergeant."
NAVY: Will address all officers as "Skipper," and all enlisted personnel as "Chief."
AIR FORCE: All Air Force personnel shall be on a first name basis with each   other.

DECORATIONS/AWARDS:

MARINES: Medals and badges are awarded for acts of gallantry and bravery only.
ARMY: Medals and badges are awarded for every bullet fired, every grenade thrown, every fitness test passed, and every bed made.
NAVY: Will have ships' engineers make medals for them as desired.
AIR FORCE: Will be issued all medals and badges, as they will most likely be awarded them at some point early in their careers anyway.

CAMOUFLAGE UNIFORMS:

MARINES: Work uniform, to be worn only during training and in field situations.
ARMY: Will wear it anytime, anywhere.
NAVY: Will not wear camouflage uniforms, they do not camouflage you on a ship. (Ship Captains will make every effort to attempt to explain this to sailors.)
AIR FORCE: Will defeat the purpose of camouflage uniforms by putting blue and silver chevrons and colorful squadron patches all over them.

CAREER FIELDS:

MARINES: All Marines shall be considered riflemen first and foremost.
ARMY: It doesn't matter, all career fields promote to E-8 in first enlistment anyway.
NAVY: Nobody knows. The Navy is still trying figure out what in the hell sailors in ABH, SMC, BNC and BSN rates do anyway.
  AIR FORCE: Every recruit will be trained in a manner that will allow them to leave the service early to go on to higher paying civilian jobs.

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TIME:

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.

If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

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Crap: Through the eyes of the military!
(**The "family" censored version**)

*An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 pound pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is crap!"

*An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good crap!"

*A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great crap."

*A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this crap."

*The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air conditioned, carpeted office and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of crap is this?"

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First Impressions

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

"Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."



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Take a Number

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"



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STUCK

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."



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Fighter Pilots

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.



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The 5 Scariest Things in the Army!


1. A Private saying, "I learned this in basic training..."

2. A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."

3. A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based on my experience..."

4. A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."

5. And a Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this $%!#..."


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Out In The Field


The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, I've got good news and bad news.

First the good news. Today we're going to change our underwear. The troops started cheering at the news.

Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy...


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Drinking on the Flight Line


     A couple of drinkin' buddies, who are POL handlers are on the flight line at Campbell Army Airfield, (Ft. Campbell, KY); it's fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"  The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink JP-8, and that it will kinda give you a buzz." So they drink it, get smashed and have a great time; like only drinkin' buddies can do.

      The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn't. He gets up and feels good, in fact, he feels great- NO hangover! The phone rings, it's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?" He said, "I feel great!!" And the buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover?" And he says, "No- that JP-8 is great stuff- no hangover - we ought to do this more often."  "Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing....."

"What's that?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"No...!?"

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Alaska!!"



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"Top 10 List, Tonight's Category: Reasons why you know that the Army Mission has made an impact on your family life!!!!"


10. Last night you had a dream and everyone was using acronyms.

9. You think Ft. Polk is a resort area.

8. You have 3 sons and their names are Riley, Hood, and Stewert.

7. Your baby's first words were Hoowaa!!!

6. Your relatives refuse to write your phone # down in ink in their address book.

5. You have a bumper sticker that reads, I'd rather be packing out!!

4. Your spouse tells you they are going TDY and you immediately think of ways how to spend the extra money!

3. Your children ask if they can go to the PX while you are on leave.

2. Every time there is a threat of any kind in the world, your mom calls and asks if your spouse knows anything about it.

1. When you go the PX, your 10 month old calls out daddy to anyone wearing a set of BDU'S


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Wanna find some more funny military stuff?

Pvt. Murphy's Laws (The comic strip)
Pvt. Murphy's Laws of Combat
I was only a Butter Bar, Sir!
Government & Military Humor
Sarge's Solution for no weapon
A WWII Wooden Decoy
Communication Problems among the Armed Forces
Military Specs live forever!
Ways to simulate being in the Navy at home

This is a collection of shared jokes, quips, and stories found all over the internet.

Home is where the Army sends us!